Chasing Shadows
by Spunkz the wacked out Spaz
Summary: Short poem/story about Severus' feelings when he was at school. Rated PG-13 because it gives you slight suicidal tendancies, I'm afraid. Will get emotionally heavy in later chapters. Boohoo, boohoo.
1. Severus

A chair smashes, the torch goes out and again I am alone  
Why?  
What have I done to make it like this?  
Why am I hated like this?  
Why am I treated like this?  
Like the tiny fly striving to make a home  
Smeared against the wall with the human's disgust.  
Lucius knows.  
He thinks I'm easy prey.  
Everyone else seems to think we are friends.  
James and Sirius, Peter and Remus.  
They won't accept me either  
Again I refer to the fly on the wall  
Smeared for their pleasure.  
I like the darkness  
The blackness is my friend  
It hides me from prying eyes  
It hides me from Lucius  
It hides me from the ones who will bend me so easily  
To do what they want...  
I have a scar on my arm to prove that  
That I am so easy to bend  
To manipulate into a tool of destruction.  
My parents are no help  
"A Snape" they say "should never cry"  
"A Snape should feel no pain"  
"A Snape should be arrogant and unforgiving"  
"A Snape should withhold the Slytherin trust"  
I asked the hat to put me in Slytherin  
So I could save myself from another bruise.  
It hasn't worked as such  
No one notices  
No one cares.  
They're always arguing, my parents  
Always killing, always fighting  
Always throwing furniture and then  
Always beating me  
Using me as a diversion to split equal powers  
Using me as a scapegoat so they don't have to go head to head  
They don't know who would win...  
Using me as a punchbag  
Blaming it all on me  
And then...  
No one cares.  
Except one girl  
One girl who is brave enough to stand by me  
One girl who doesn't care that we are from different houses  
Or that, by my 'Master's' will I should kill her  
She cares  
Lily Evans cares  
She asks me why I hide  
She asks me why I whimper when I'm touched  
She asks me why I shake when someone raises their voice  
She cares  
But James and Sirius, Remus and Peter,  
They tear her away from me  
They say she should not be near me  
They accuse me of breaking her heart  
She does not love me  
She cares  
She wants to know why I always have the bruises  
She suspects I am mistreated  
And yet she can do nothing  
The other four drag her back  
Tell her I am not worthy  
Say I am scum  
A slimy Slytherin  
A greasy git  
I guess that's what I am  
Because of my parents  
I am mean  
I imitate their scathing remarks  
It's all I know  
I don't know how to be happy  
I don't know how to smile  
I don't know how to love  
I don't know how to care for another  
No one has ever taught me  
Because no one notices...  
Not at school, not at home...  
No one notices my reluctance, my remorse, my regret  
They all think I'm a tough hardy Slytherin...  
They couldn't be more wrong.  
I don't want to be that anymore  
I don't want to be me anymore  
I don't want to live anymore  
And yet I can't die  
I just can't  
They've done something  
They've stopped me from killing and hurting myself  
I guess they want that pleasure for themselves...  
James, and  
Sirius, and  
Remus, and  
Peter, and  
Lucius, and  
My Parents, and  
Them...  
Always Them...  
So I can never escape  
No one I can trust  
My one true friend pulled away from me  
No one I can turn to  
I can only live by their wrath  
Live by their wrath  
By their rules  
To serve Them  
Forever  
And Always  
To serve Them... 


	2. The Fight

"Hey! Look! It's Greaseball come to play!"  
  
Severus heard the scathing remark and knew immediately who it was. He tried to quickly walk away but two figures suddenly barred his way, filling the whole of his vision.  
  
Sirius and James. Again.  
  
"Where are you off to, Greaseball, don't you wanna hang round with us?" Sirius sneered. Behind them, Severus could just see the interested faces of Peter and Remus as they too walked towards him.  
  
"What's the matter? Why aren't you answering us? Curse got your tongue?" James asked loudly. Some of the students walking past stopped to watch. Severus swallowed and struggled vainly against Sirius' determined grip.  
  
"No-o. You're going nowhere, not until you've played with us, Snapey." He snarled. Severus' panic-powered struggles subsided but he couldn't help the spasms of fear that racked his arms and torso.  
  
"Aw... are we scared, little Snapey? Hey, James, little Snapey's scared. He's shaking." Sirius grinned.  
  
"Just leave me alone! Just leave me alone! Please, God, let them leave me alone!" Severus mumbled to himself.  
  
Sirius tightened his grip on Severus' arm as he began to drag the boy into a side room. Severus whimpered in pain as one of his bruises was squeezed.  
  
The Marauders hustled Severus into the room and closed the door behind them. Outside, students restarted their normal life routine, except there was a little whisper of what was going to happen to Severus Snape.  
  
Inside the room, Sirius pushed Severus onto a chair and conjured up some black and red ropes. Severus noticed, as the ropes were winding themselves tightly around his body and fastening him to the chair, that Remus and Peter were sitting as far away as they could from James and Sirius, with their eyes screwed shut.  
  
This couldn't be a good sign.  
  
James twisted the end off one of the ropes and nibbled the end.  
  
"Oh, nice twist, Padfoot! Liquorice Bootlaces! Nice one!"  
  
He turned back to Severus.  
  
"Now we're going to get you back for grassing us up after that incident with Remus!" He growled. Severus blinked.  
  
He knew what the incident was. James and Sirius had told him how to get into the Shrieking Shack. James had pulled him back out in time but had warned him not to say to anyone.  
  
He was too scared to disobey.  
  
But Dumbledore seemed to know. He had been called to Dumbledore's office, along with Sirius and James. They were given a severe punishment and he was warned not to tell anyone.  
  
He glanced round the classroom again. Peter's eyes were still shut but Remus was staring, horrified, at his two friends.  
  
It must have been Remus who told.  
  
"I didn't..." He began, but James overrode him.  
  
"Typical Slytherin, aren't you? Lies and half-truths to get yourself out of trouble. Well, it won't work now. I can tell you that." He whispered venomously, eyes narrowing.  
  
Sirius picked up one of the demonstration models from the teacher's desk and threw it at the stained-glass window, which shattered. He then walked slowly over to the disintegrated remains and chose the sharpest one he could find before moving back towards James.  
  
Awful realisation dawned on Severus as the afternoon sun caught on the shard in Sirius' hand. James nodded and stepped back, smirking.  
  
Sirius circled Severus like an eagle circles its prey. He stoppped somewhere behind the other boy so that Severus could not see him.  
  
Severus felt the Gryffindor press the glass against the back of his neck and slowly put pressure on. He felt the skin break and he felt the warm blood trickling from the cut into his robes and down his back.  
  
Behind him, Sirius grinned and pressed harder, drawing more blood and causing Severus to whimper.  
  
"Are you sorry yet, Greaseball?" James hissed. Severus' terrified eyes stared back, yet he couldn't help asking.  
  
"What if I'm not?"  
  
Sirius pressed harder still and Severus groaned in pain. James leaned forward.  
  
"Are you sorry?"  
  
"I keep telling you! I didn't - argh!" Severus began but was cut off as Sirius pushed harder and the pain became overwhelming.  
  
Stars burst before his eyes and he was finding it hard to breathe. He struggled blindly against the ropes, was vaguely aware of Sirius pushing harder again before the glass was hastily withdrawn.  
  
He felt the ropes loosening and falling away from his body. Gradually, his vision returned to normal and he realised he was panting. He looked up to see why James and Sirius had stopped.  
  
Standing in the doorway was Professor McGonagall and Lily Evans. Professor McGonagall had an expression of pure rage on her face as she berated the four Gryffindor boys.  
  
Something inside Severus snapped. She was stealing his revenge for the unprovoked attack!  
  
Despite the awful throbbing in the back of his neck, he went over to James and landed him a powerful punch in the stomach.  
  
James bent double and McGonagall's eyes flashed with inignation and a seemingly uncontrollable anger.  
  
"Snape!" She yelled. "Detention! That was completely uncalled for!"  
  
Beside himself with rage at the injustice, Severus turned to show her the deep cut in his neck.  
  
"That's what they did to me, but they aren't getting punished are they? NO! It's all 'let's pick on the Slytherin, Gryffindors rally to me! Gang together against the slimy one!'"  
  
It seemed he was letting a lifetime of poor treatment out with this argument. It might have gone on, had Lily not intervened.  
  
"YOU BASTARDS!" She yelled, launching herself at Sirius and scratching his face. "THERE WAS NO NEED FOR THAT, YOU HAD NO RIGHT TO HURT SEVERUS!!"  
  
"Miss Evans!" McGonagall shouted. Everyone went quiet and a terrible foreboding hung over the whole crowd.  
  
"I think that everyone in this room should be awarded detention for this ridiculous behaviour. I am not sure who is responsible, and I do not really care.  
  
"You will report to me tomorrow at 9 pm. Your detention task will be to do a set task repeatedly until you can learn to behave properly and get along!"  
  
She turned on her heel and stormed out of the room, a red-faced Lily going behind her. Remus and Peter, heads hanging, made their way out of the room also.  
  
James and Sirius glared at Severus with a look that plainly said 'come tomorrow you're going to wish you'd never been born.'  
  
Ironically, Severus wished that already.  
  
Sirius and James left, leaving Severus alone with a feeling of dread in the pit of his stomach.  
  
He wouldn't be able to sleep tonight, and he had a feeling that he wouldn't need to sleep the night after  
  
He was going to die. 


End file.
